This week we are talking about your newest superpower. Self Compassion. It really makes sense to be a better friend to ourselves. We wouldn’t let anyone else talk to us the way our inner voice does. Self Compassion allows us to have more compassion and kindness for ourselves and therefore more to share with others. Its a win-win all around.
Resources I talked about this week:
Dr. Kristin Neff – Website with different self compassion exercises
Dr. Kristin Neff – Self Compassion Test
The Power of Self-Compassion – Laurie Cameron ( on Audible)
The Gifts of Imperfection – Brené Brown
I hope you enjoy this week’s podcast. Don’t forget we’d love to see you over on the Facebook Group, The Happier You Podcast!
And remember you can get the podcast and the midweek motivator emailed to you weekly when you join our mailing list here!
Episode Transcript:
Hi, and welcome to The Happier You Podcast. I’m your host Bona Normandeau. The goal of this podcast is to deliver a little bit of sunshine to you weekly. Each episode is meant to challenge and inspire you. I’m no expert, I’m just a regular gal who’s inviting you on this journey to find the happier you.
Hi, Happy people. Welcome back. This week we’re talking about self-compassion and I have to tell you, I’m actually really excited about this one! I think this is going to be our new superpower.
I think I’ve told you this before. When things come up multiple times for me, I believe it’s the universe telling me I have to pay attention. And so this one has come at me from many different directions. I finally got a chance to delve into it and learn more about it.
So everything that I read, listened to and watched, all roads seem to lead to this one researcher. Her name is Dr. Kristin Neff, and she seems to be the leading expert on self-compassion. Or at least in all the reading that I did, that’s who everybody referenced.
Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as having three components.
Self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness is basically treating yourself like you would a dear friend. It’s being warm and understanding when we’re suffering, when we fail at something or when we feel inadequate. So rather than berating ourselves and criticizing ourselves, we’re going to take care of ourselves. We’re going to be nicer to ourselves, and we’re going to be a friend to ourselves. If you ask yourself, what would I say to a good friend in this situation? That’s basically what you would say to yourself, or what do I need in this moment?
Common humanity is the second one. And this recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of our shared human experience. We all struggle in our lives and other people feel this way as well. They may not be feeling it at this exact moment, but understanding that we all suffer and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Mindfulness actually requires that we don’t over-identify with our thoughts and feelings. So we accept that this is a moment of suffering and actually say something out loud. You know, she talks about putting her hand over her heart and saying, ouch, this is pain. This hurts. This is stress. And just acknowledging what you’re in and the moment. So those are the three things that comprise of self-compassion according to Dr. Neff.
Self-compassion builds self-confidence.
I also listened to this book called The Power of Self-Compassion, by Laurie J. Cameron. She talks about research that found that self-compassion builds self-confidence. She talked about the doubters and the people who are like, “wait, if I’m not hard on myself, how am I going to achieve? You know, I am a high achiever because I am hard on myself and I expect great things for myself.” However, she tells us there are studies showing that people who have self-compassion actually learn more after an experience.
So instead of berating themselves for failure, they actually go back and learn from that experience and move on.
The research is also showing that self-compassion decreases anxiety, depression, and stress.
Given the current state of the world, where there’s a lot of stress and anxiety. And even in our young kids today, there’s a lot more anxiety and stress and depression than I remember from when we were younger. And I just think, wow, if this is something that we can try to help with that, why not? Right?
Self-compassionate people experience more happiness, optimism and life satisfaction.
So yay, happiness. But all of those are great things that we want to add into our lives. I just keep thinking that the sooner I can get this figured out, then the sooner I can start modeling it for our son. Knowing that this is going to be a slow process because we have to undo our old negative ways to talk to our self and all the criticism and the bullying that we have inside our head. If we start to be more nurturing and self compassionate towards ourselves, all the research is saying only good things happen.
Way back when I read the gifts of imperfection by Brene Brown, one of her keys to wholehearted living is self compassion to deal with perfectionism. And she says, perfectionism is a sliding scale for everyone. So we all have some level of perfectionism for different things at different times.
Imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
She says that wholehearted people are slow to judge themselves and slow to judge others. And they talk about their imperfections in a tender way without shame and fear. Their courage and compassion seemed to be rooted in the way that they see themselves. If we’re more self-compassionate, kinder to ourselves, and more accepting, and we nurture ourselves through the tough times, as opposed to berating ourselves through the tough times, we will be able to deal with the outside world better.
Self-compassion is Goodwill, not good feelings.
In other words, being self-compassionate doesn’t mean we’ll have less pain or less suffering. Knowing that we’re going through it, acknowledging it, and then being kind to ourselves and asking ourselves, what do I need in this moment? What do I need to help me get through this moment? It doesn’t alleviate the pain, but what it does is allow you to nurture yourself through it. By acknowledging it, you can help yourself.
I don’t know about you, but I’m excited to get to work on this. I know there’s a lot of stress in the world today. And so this is something that we’re going to be able to practice probably multiple times in the next few weeks.
It’s a slow process and we have to be patient with ourselves, but I definitely think it’s something worth getting better at and trying to add this tool to our toolbox.
So this week, all I’m asking you to do is remember those three things that comprise self-compassion. Self-kindness, being a good friend to yourself. Common humanity. Remembering that you are not alone. Suffering is part of the shared human experience. And mindfulness, acknowledging that you’re in a painful or stressful moment. And even if it’s that hand over the heart going, Oh, this is stressful. That’s it just starting to notice and started to practice trying these tools and see how it feels. I think being more nurturing towards ourselves is going to feel amazing as opposed to berating ourselves.
Just think once we get this figured out how much more compassion, we can give the world once we start being kinder and gentler towards ourselves.
I’d love to hear from you on the Facebook page, the happier you podcast, or you can join the newsletter and get the podcast and the midweek motivator delivered to you weekly.
Just go to thehappieryou.net and sign up for the newsletter.
Before I leave you, here is this week’s quote,
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.
Christopher K Grimmer
That’s it for this week happy people. Have a great week and go get your happy on!