This week we are talking about how knowing your values will help you make all decisions in your life easier. I am joined on this episode by Doris Belland, the woman who taught me this lesson a couple of years ago. Doris’ passion is financial literacy for women, but as you will find in this episode, values don’t just apply to your finances, they affect every part of your life.
When I did this exercise, it took me six months! And when I finally did clarify them, I think that’s what started me on this journey that led me to this podcast. I discovered a gaping hole between my values and how I was living. I wasn’t unhappy, but there was definitely something missing.
In this episode Doris shares a tool she uses to start people down the right path to clarifying their personal values. You can find the link to that document here: YFL’s List of VALUES
You can find more about Doris on her webiste: yourfinanciallaunchpad.com
I hope you enjoy this week’s podcast. Don’t forget we’d love to see you over on the Facebook Group, The Happier You Podcast!
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Episode Transcript:
Bona: Welcome back Happy people. I am looking forward to today’s episode because we have another great guest on today. So you’ve met Doris before on a previous episode. And she’s back today because she’s the person who taught me the importance of figuring out my values. If you don’t remember Doris, or you are a new listener, her passion is financial literacy for women, her business, Your Financial Launchpad is aimed at educating women so they feel confident to know about their money, make more money, manage the money that they have and grow their money. I have been a part of Doris’s women’s money group for coming up on three years now, can you believe that? I have also taken all of her courses.
I asked Doris to come on today because she taught a class a couple of years ago about value based spending. But before you can get to the spending part, you have to figure out your values.
I bet you think that before we even get into this conversation, you are able to whip off your values in no time. Well, guess what? It took me six months, six months! And when I finally did clarify them, I think that’s what started me on this journey that led me to this podcast.
I discovered a gaping hole between my values and how I was living.
I wasn’t unhappy, but there was something missing. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but so much that I have learned from Doris. I didn’t even know, I didn’t know. Does that make sense?
For a start, I didn’t know I needed to clarify my values so that I could set my boundaries and make changes to find the happier me. So enough of me talking, let me introduce Doris. Welcome my friend. Thank you so much for being here with me. I’m super excited to share you with my listeners.
Doris: Thank you so much, Bona. I love, love, love doing this. Happy to be here.
Bona: So we have progressed. We are no longer in the closet. Like we were last time. I feel all grown up now .
Doris: Look at us. So much progress. We’ve come a long way.
Bona: I’m excited about today because you and I have been talking about doing this episode for a while and, the timing just seemed to be right now. But I think values are particularly important. And I’ve learned that from you. So I think the first thing I want you to share with the listeners is
why do you think it’s so important that people start with their values?
Doris: The short answer is because I learned it the hard way. Because you know, I tried doing it other ways and then realized I wasn’t even aware that I was going back to my values. So I was widowed when I was 32, lost my husband. And that completely changed my life. And as I was rebuilding my life, I unconsciously rebuilt it based on my values because I had gone through so much trauma.
I’d had the wind knocked out of me and, and realized I was in a place where I was so unhappy. I was, I was broken, completely broken. And it was kind of a weird advantage to be able to recreate my life as a 32 year old. And in that process, I started differently. I did things differently, but I wasn’t aware of that.
And it’s only later when I worked with. People that I realized, Oh, the reason it worked for me, the reason I was able to pay off $400,000 of inherited debt in two years, and to get to a place where I feel so much happier, I feel so much more fulfilled and I’m headed on a, on a good path. The reason is because
I figured out what really matters to me.
Because I connected with, at the heart and at the core of me, what does it boil down to? What are my non-negotiables? What are the things that I would do differently if I could? And I was given that so-called opportunity when I was 32. But it’s only when I started working with people in their finances, helping them fix their finances that I realized, you know, budgeting and other approaches, they work for some people, but they don’t work for the vast majority of people.
Because we’re not connected to what matters to us.
So I think the long and the short of it is using your values to guide all of your decisions is the best shot you have. It’s the most effective way I have ever found to get you to a destination you love. Which is a place of joy, a place of fulfillment. It means at the end of your life, you look back and you think.
Oh, that’s so good. I’m so happy with the person I am. The person I became.
With the things that I shared with the world. The people I spent time with. The achievements that I have. And, really what it does is connecting with your values, gives you an internal compass from which to make decisions. Particularly about the two most important resources that you’ve got, which is your time and your money.
So I think really connecting with your values creates a framework that is unique to you, and that’s why it’s so effective. And you know, the strength of it is the simplicity, because all you have to do is just look inside and say what really matters to me and use that every step of the way. And you know, if you do that, it gives you so much greater chance, or far greater likelihood of getting to an end result that will serve you well.
Bona: [00:05:17] When I did this exercise with you, over two years ago, the one thing that was the eye-opener for me was the value that stated “I want meaningful work that inspires me.” And remember that took me six months to get to, to that. I think that’s really important for people to understand, because this is not an overnight process at all. I like my job, but “meaningful work that inspires me” is a completely different level.
It’s something totally different, or it was for me.
And I think I ended up on this path because I stared at that value for two years, trying to figure out what that was for me. And so I planted the seed and I didn’t know how to make it happen. So I guess it’s not easy, but it’s worth the work. And it’s something that I think needs to be done in order to move forward into each person’s authentic life. And I think knowing yourself and leading your authentic life is truly important for happiness. At least that’s my theory on life.
Now, Doris, you work with a lot of women, so I’m, I’m assuming that you see this all the time. Any good stories you can share?
Doris: Well there are two that come to mind and. I think these stories are helpful because it’s not just about what you take out, but it’s so about what you put in.
Where do you focus, as I said, your resources of your time and your money.
So I’ll tell you two stories. One is a mom of three kids, and I worked with her a few years ago. She was in a difficult situation because she and her husband were spending far more money than they had coming in. And it’s not that they weren’t earning enough to live a good healthy life it’s that they were just overspending and had gotten themselves into a fair bit of debt.
And that was starting to have a significant impact on their lives. So by the time I sat down with her, she was really stressed out. And when I talked to her about her values and said, you know, talk to me about what’s most important to you. What’s non-negotiable for you. And the very first thing out of her mouth was my family’s health.
I want us all to be happy and fit and healthy, and energetic.
I said, okay, cool. So let’s see how that shakes out in your finances. There were three kids and in total there were nine sports, if you can imagine. And so this gal spent all of her time driving kids to sports and they were spending a fortune on the kids and all the kids were loving it. Right. The kids had all the sports that they could possibly want, totally fulfilled.
The question I asked is, do they require all those sports? So the bottom line is, she said, no, of course they don’t. They could be perfectly happy and fit if they just had a single sport. I said, this is an opportunity for you to have a conversation with your kids about not only ensuring that your family is physically fit and healthy, but also financially fit and healthy. So you bring the kids into that conversation. You say to them, okay, you get to choose the sport that you value the most.
Right. We weren’t going to wipe everything off. So they got to keep one sport and that saved them thousands of dollars by doing that. And then I said,
talk to me about what you’re doing for you.
And she kind of got a sheepish look on her face. She said, well, we haven’t had the budget and we haven’t had, I haven’t had the time. So I said, are you okay with that? Is this with the value that you’ve just talked to me about? Is this consistent with that value?
And she said, no, you know, she had this kind of bummed out, look the shoulders stooped, right. That, Oh God, I’ve just been exposed kind of feeling,
Bona: I’ve been coached by you before. I know that feeling when you hold up the mirror and I realized, yeah…
Doris: So, you know, I think it’s important that this point right now to say that at the heart of what I teach, one of the fundamental tenants and philosophies is:
No Shame, No Blame, No Judgement.
So this is not about shaming her. This is not about blaming anybody. No judgment. It’s simply to understand and to say at the end of the day, is this true to what I value? And of course it wasn’t. And I said, so why have you not spent any time or money there? She said, well, we don’t have the budget for that we’re already in the red. And I said, okay, that’s number one. And number two said, I don’t have time because she was too busy being taxi driver to the three kids and their bazillion sports.
So I said, let’s set money aside. What is it that would fulfill you?
What is it that would give you joy that would make you happy and, and give you the kind of fitness and energy and, health that you want. And she said, I would go to the gym. Like, I didn’t even take her three seconds to answer that. She said, Gym! A gym membership. I go a couple of times a week. So that’s what she did.
And she felt so relieved because she hadn’t given herself permission to spend any money on herself because they had credit card debt and a whack load of it. And I said, you know, money has to serve you. That’s it. The whole point of it. And that’s the power of using values because now you say,
If money is serving me, it’s going to serve my values.
And that’s what she did with that very simple exercise. You notice we didn’t create a spreadsheet, we didn’t start doing some math, some additions, some division. There was none of that.
It was just saying no, let’s feed our values.
And at the same time, tackle the other value, which is financial fitness. So now we can start paying off that debt, but you’re not giving up your health for that. And, you know, a year and a half later, they were in a much better place financially and she was looking better and feeling better.
The second story that I have is, there is a mom that I worked with and she was facing really serious debt. So she was more than $500,000 in debt and trying to solve that problem on not a huge income.
So when we started working together, one of the first things she said to me about values is that she really loves loves, loves the time that she spends with her two adult daughters. , But the only time that they get to connect really, mom and daughters, is during restaurant meals. And so they would go out to restaurant meals and, you know, connect and have fun and drink wine and just have wonderful evenings. And that meant a great deal to her. But she was feeling guilt about that because she said, you know, restaurant meals, those are just extras. I shouldn’t be spending on those because I’m in debt. I’m trying to tackle debt. And I just said, hold on a second here.
Let’s just go back to your list of values.
And right up there, on her list of values, was that relationship. That core relationship with her daughters. So when we looked at the finances, I said, okay, what if you retain one of those restaurant meals every single month? Chop out all of the extras and restaurant meals are considered extras, but when you take your values into account, you know, I’m talking personal finance, but this applies to everything. When you take your values into account, it changes the whole conversation. It changes the approach.
When the framework is “What matters to me?” Everything else follows from there.
And I can tell you that just using, that values based approach for her finances and for her decision-making, in terms of what to tackle first and where to spend her time and energy she, in a year and a half paid off tens of thousands of dollars of debt. Just because she was merciless about cutting back on the things that were not valuable to her . But she retained the joy in her world. She still spent money in those areas that brought her great satisfaction. And that’s the difference that taking a values based approach can make.
Bona: I love both of those stories. And it just reminded me that when I took this course with you, I learned about conscious spending and unconscious spending and I think the listeners would be really fascinated to hear, that you actually teach financial literacy without budgeting. Because I think so many of us think, Oh, if I’m going to get a grip on my finances, I have to budget. And this is a really cool way that you teach that I think is more freeing and feels good.
There’s less guilt. I think that even when you were telling the story. I think that’s what you start to learn is, you know, You don’t have to feel guilty about things because you’ve made a conscious decision, right?
Doris: Yep, absolutely. Absolutely. You spend with joy, that’s the thing, right? When you take that conscious approach.
Bona: And I think it’s important because even once you figure out your values they’re not set in stone. In the sense that I think you asked me the other day, how have mine changed and, what an interesting question. And one of the things the people who know you will get when I say that, because you have this, in all of your teachings, you always teach us the no shame, no blame, no judgment, which I think is a beautiful thing, to apply to life, not just learning. But also,” isn’t that interesting?” Is one of your key phrases.
And isn’t that interesting?
And so even when I was learning about, conscious spending and unconscious sending and I was an unconscious Costco’s spender, absolutely. And that was huge for me. And so explaining to my husband that, it doesn’t hurt every once in a while to look at how you’re spending and, and apply it against your values. Because sometimes you forget it, right? And you’re like, I got this. But then when you really look at them, you’re like, am I really doing that?
Doris: Can I just say that what you just brought up about making conscious intentional choices is so, so, so important. Because I think, and this is a big picture statement. This is not about finances anymore. I think one of the biggest problems is when people, you know, the whole deathbed story, right? You’re on your death bed.
And what do you regret?
I think this is the biggest issue for people as they’re going along and looking back. It’s those regrets. It is so much easier to get off track in your life and to end up in a place that isn’t fulfilling. And isn’t satisfying.
When you have no guiding principle.
When you’re not checking in regularly, to make what I call conscious intentional choices. And that’s part of what I brought into my women’s money group, is very simply just to bring in consciousness into your spending and what you’re doing now by revisiting your values is bringing that into your life again and saying, let’s just, let’s just stop for a moment right now, look around and say, am I on track? I think that’s an opportunity to live consciously and to just say, am I headed in the right direction?
Am I headed in a direction that’s going to bring me joy.
That’s going to bring me fulfillment. That’s going to help me achieve what I hope are your values based goals. And I can tell you that if you touch base every step of the way, and if you keep asking those questions of values, as you’re making decisions, it’s a lot easier to stay on track.
Bona: [00:15:52] And set boundaries. . And I think you said this the other day. Once you know your values and you live by them, it’s easier to say a kind no, then a fake. Yes,
Doris: Exactly. Yeah. And you’re going to hate if you say a fake. Yes. You’re going to hate every minute of it anyway.
What is the biggest misconception about this values work do you think?
Doris: Well, every time I say to people that I teach a values based approach, the reaction is, Oh yeah, absolutely. So important. I know my values. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All over this.
Because people think that values means, family’s important. They think that that’s a value statement. No, that’s not a value statement. People think saying, you know, I want to be happy that that’s somehow a value statement. No, and it’s not even an end goal, right. Because it’s not specific enough.
Maintaining good health, that’s important. And I get them to drill down.
What does that mean? What does that look like?
Because for me, I had to add different elements to that because I realized at first I said healthy. Being healthy is my number one value because I lost my first husband at 32 and spent nine years in and out of oncology wards.
So, of course health is going to be at the top of my list. And then I realized, hold on, you can be healthy and not fit. Well, I don’t want that. I want to be fit. So then I put healthy and fit and then I realized, well, you can be healthy and fit and not have a ton of energy. I was like, okay. So I’m going to, I’m going to be healthy fit and have a bunch of energy.
And then finally, I just stopped that and I just said, describe the person you want to be when you are 90. And I said, when I’m 90, I want to be hiking up a mountain. I want to pass teenagers who were complaining every step of the way who look up and go look at that old chick. Holy crap. She’s just hoofing it up the mountain.
Right. And she’s not even breathing hard. And that’s what I want to be. I want to have a ton of energy, a ton of vitality. I still want to be doing the things that I love love, love at 90. And that’s when I said, I’ve got to be healthy, I’ve got to be fit. I have to have energy and I have to have vitality. So when you get really specific about these things, that’s when it starts to click and you can start making decisions.
But the biggest misconception is that it sounds so easy connecting with your values. It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Bona: That’s I think that’s such an accurate statement because I did the training with you. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I got this. And then the next day I called you and I’m like, I, so don’t have this.
One of the things I talked about, was maybe giving the listeners something that could help them on this journey.
Doris: [00:18:30] So I’ve created a PDF that’s called List of Values and on there past the value. So there’s 156 of them listed out just to get the creative juices flowing.
And then after that I created a short series of questions. So it’s some exercises, to get you thinking about them. So how do you go from a list of words, to coming up with some possible values for yourself? And in a nutshell, you look at those words and see which ones resonate for you. And I’ll just say right now, that when your listeners get a hold of this PDF, here’s what I don’t want them to do. I don’t want them to circle 150 of them. Cause you go through when you go. Oh yeah, of course. Absolutely. Oh yeah. Yeah. And it’s easy to do that, but remember if you have 30 priorities, you have none. So what we’re trying to do is to drill it down and in the PDF I talk you through how to do that.
And the goal is to create a list in order, because you need it to be in order, you need to know which is most important to you, and then work your way down. So maximum 10, ideally, you know, Five or six somewhere in that, in that range. But if you’ve got anywhere under 10, a list of values, that’s in great start, just sit with them.
And if you’re frustrated, understand that that’s par for the course. That’s exactly the common reaction that so many women have and, and that you experienced as well.
Bona: [00:20:06] Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, I think that’s an important part. And thank you for reminding me about that because. Yeah. I sat with, it took me a few months to get it.
And then when I did have my five, they were on a, index card on my desk for a while. And, and then they changed orders, you know, like it’s just, there’s something, there’s a feeling you start to, I think when you connect to your inner self, you start to hear that voice and you honor it more and it communicates with you better.
Hopefully that doesn’t sound crazy.
Doris: [00:20:36] No, it doesn’t. And in fact, that just reminded me if, if any of your listeners is going through a really hard time or a traumatic moment. I just want to share a super quick story. from after my first husband died. When. a good friend came over and I was so devastated and in such a bad space.
She was trying to do anything to pick me up. And she said, Doris, you just need to go get involved in some activities that, you know, will make you happy. Some things that will get you to stop thinking about your pain and, and help lift you out of this. So what do you enjoy doing? Like let’s get you out and let’s get you doing some stuff that you enjoy doing.
And do you know? I couldn’t answer that question. When she said, what do you like? What do you want? What do you enjoy? I could not answer a single one of those questions. And that just depressed me even more because I thought, Oh my God, this is awful. I don’t even know. And then I realized afterwards that most of us go through life so utterly out of touch with who we are inside. With what we need and with what we enjoy and what we love, that we cannot answer the simplest of questions. So I just want to just say to any person listening right now that if that is you, I hear you. I have been there. Just give yourself the time and the space you will reconnect. It’s just that the path is overgrown. You just need to like clear out some of the weeds and the cobwebs, but the path is there. The path to your inner self, the path to your inner knowing. To that person inside who knows exactly what she wants and what she needs.
She’s there. You just need to give yourself the time to reconnect.
Bona: Thank you, Doris. That’s such great advice. I will share links in the show notes. but if they don’t want to go there, can you tell them how they find out more about you and what you’re doing and some of your upcoming courses?
Doris: Absolutely. So the fastest way to find out about what’s. Coming up is to get on my mailing list. I send out a newsletter every week ish. So it’s every seven to 10 days. I send out a newsletter with money, tips and thoughts on how to take your life and your money to the next level.
And you can do that on the very first page on my website. So if you go to yourfinanciallaunchpad.com at the very top of the page, it says, “send me tips” and you can just click in there. That is absolutely the fastest way. And if you want some more information about me, you know, just click around on the website.
There’s information there about my women’s money group, and you can also click contact and shoot me an email.
Bona: And so, You, actually have created a values course, right. As it’s part of a larger course, but can you tell us a little bit more about that?
Doris: Sure. So I offer a larger courses take charge of your money. And that’s about creating the entire Personal Money System. That’s going to feed into your values and, and be effective for you. That’s the larger course. Then I broke it down because a lot of people need help with values. So I am offering what I call a “mini course,” which is basically How To Clarify Your Values.
So the, I am starting a promotion for the Take Charge Of Your Money, next week. Starting the week of November 2nd. And then the course is going to be available just the, Clarify Your Values course the week after that.
Bona: Okay, so close to the middle of November.
Doris: Somewhere, mid November, but all of that information, all the details are going to be revealed on my mailing list. So shoot me an email or get on the mailing list and I’ll be sure to send you the information as soon as it’s available.
Bona: And I’ll put the link for that values list worksheet that you’ve created for them in the show notes.
So that’s it happy people. I did come up with a quote. I almost forgot.
” It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
Roy Disney
And that’s by Roy Disney. Who knew Walter had an older brother. I didn’t know that. Did you know that?
Doris: Nope. No, I didn’t didn’t know.
Bona: He’s a very wise man.
Doris: Great quote.
Bona: [00:24:34] It is right. Yeah. So just a reminder, we’re trying to build a community of people supporting each other in finding your authentic self and helping you find your happy. So we are The Happier You Podcast on Facebook. Or you can join the newsletter where we’re going to email you the podcast and a mid-week motivator, just to keep your happiness top of mind, you can do that at thehappieryou.net.
I haven’t done this in a while, so I’m just going to remind you, if you listen on Apple podcasts, we would love you to rate and review. That will just help other people find us as we’re growing and reaching more people. So happy people that’s it for this week. Have a great one and