Increase Your Happiness By Growing Your Connections

This week we are talking about increasing your happiness by connecting with people.  With today’s automated conveniences and social distancing requirements, now more than ever we have to consciously reach out and connect with others.  We talk about the happiness benefits, health benefits and there are some who even say it can increase your life expectancy!

Resources I shared this week:
TED with Robert Waldinger – What Makes a Good Life, Lessons from the longest study on Happiness

The Happiness Lab with Dr Laurie Santos – Mistakenly Seeking Solitude

Episode Transcript:

Hi, and welcome to The Happier You Podcast. I’m your host Bona Normandeau. The goal of this podcast is to deliver a little bit of sunshine to you weekly. Each episode is meant to challenge and inspire you. I’m no expert, I’m just a regular gal who’s inviting you on this journey to find the happier you.

Hey, happy people. Welcome back.  This week we’re talking about the importance of connection.   Months ago, when I was preparing for a different podcast, I had come across this Ted talk by Robert Waldinger.   The main gist of the TED talk is that social connections are really good for us. In fact, he says, good relationships, keep us happier and healthier. Period.

Then a couple of weeks ago, when we had Kathleen on talking about sleep and rest, she mentioned that she does a social connection a day.   And that got me thinking this is definitely something that we need to talk about because it keeps coming up.

And I think this is even more important today, given the social distancing that we’re all experienced because of COVID-19. So we’re all going through some level of social distancing and connection is something that I think right now, we have to fight even more for, than we did previously.

But if we look at it and reframe it and figure out how to do this now, while we’re in this social distancing world, it’s going to become a skill that we can use moving forward.

So in this Ted talk by Robert Waldinger people who are more socially connected are happier, physically healthier, and they live longer. People who are more isolated than they want to be are less happy. Their health declines earlier, and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And we all know that you can be lonely in the middle of a crowded room. You can be lonely in a marriage and you can be lonely in a large family.

It’s not always about being around people. It’s about connecting with people.

So in this study, they found that it’s about the quality of relationships and living in the midst of conflict can be really bad for our health.  Living in the midst of good warm relationships is protective.

One of the things they found, is the people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And I should mention this study has been going on for over 75 years. So, some pretty cool data.

The other thing that came out of that study, which I thought was fascinating, was when young men started the study, they truly believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life.

But the study showed that people who leaned into relationships with family, friends, and community fared the best.

When I was at Podfest, learning how to put the podcast together, I met a lady who created the Podcast Brunch Club.   It’s essentially a book club, but for podcast listeners. Every month they give you a list of podcasts to listen to. You typically would get together in whatever area you live in and you could just join it with a group of strangers and discuss the podcasts.

 Well, given that we were in the middle of COVID-19, I used this as an excuse to reach out to some university friends and we meet once a month. We follow the Podcast Brunch Club’s listening lists…mostly.  Some months we decide to try something else. The very first month that we joined the listening list was based on happiness. And there was a podcast in there by Dr. Laurie Santos, and she has a podcast called The Happiness Lab. And again, I’ll put that link in the show notes.

In her podcast that we listened to for that month, she interviewed different people.  The first one was the creator of the bank teller machine. He basically was standing in line at the bank, I think it was on his lunch break or something like that. And he really just needed to deposit his check, but the line was slow moving. And so out of this, he created the bank machine.

Now, interestingly enough, when Laurie interviewed him, he was in his eighties at home with his wife.  His wife has never used a bank machine.

She believes in connecting with people and looking people in the eyes and smiling, and just having those social interactions.

This then leads into the next part of her podcast, where she interviews a guy who has done a study on forced interactions on the train. And so basically they put people on a train and say, you can’t talk to anyone else. And then they put people on a train and say, you have to interact with someone else.  Complete strangers. And the cool thing is, is even the people who didn’t want to interact with other people, found that when they interacted with other people, they got off the train happier.

And so he reached out to the train company and said, here’s what I found. Moving forward, maybe something that you want to embrace. The administration came back and said, actually, we’re just about to have a quiet car where you’re not allowed to talk on your cell phone and you’re not allowed to talk to anyone else. And that request for the quiet car came from feedback from their users. And he’s saying, yeah, that’s what they told me too. But once they interacted with people, they found they were happier.

It just goes to show, be careful what you ask for, because really what the human DNA needs is connection with other people.

Now, why I’m telling you this story is because my friends and I that do this Podcast Brunch Club, we all met at military college. We have all been posted all over the country and all over the world.

One of my friends in particular, she is still moving every one or two years with her family. She really liked that podcast because she firmly believes in those social interactions. So when you’re new to a community, some days the only connection you get is with the bank teller or with the cashier at the grocery store, or randomly with a stranger on the street, asking for directions, those kinds of things. And she was a firm believer that that is part of settling into a community. Those connections and making those connections.

I love that feedback because I’m one of those people who, if I don’t have to stand in a line, I would prefer not to. However, in our last posting down here, I still walk into the bank. I don’t even keep my bank card on me. So I can’t just use the bank machine.

I always go in and the people in our bank are such lovely people. And there is rarely a lineup. I will say. I think with all the automation nowadays, I really have to wait to work with a one on one with the teller. But when I get there, they know me now and it’s fun because I know them.

I was just in the other day and I asked my teller, “How are you doing with the homeschooling? Because I know your daughter is quite young, you know, how is she dealing with it?”

And it just felt like that’s what we need to do right now is we just need to reach out to each other and say, how are you doing anyways?

 So for me, a person who hates standing in lines. I realize that I do really like social interaction. I enjoy when I know the teller at the grocery store.

In fact, we are in the middle of a photo scavenger hunt right now with our son. And we walked out our front door and there was our post man with his postal delivery truck. One of the pictures we needed to take was of the postal truck. But we said to him, “we think we’ll get bonus points because we have the world’s nicest postman. So would you please stand there so we can take your picture with you and your post truck?” And, and we actually stood there and had a conversation with our postman cause he really is the world’s nicest postman.

I also think this is really important right now because when I was asking the teller at the bank about her daughter, we are really struggling to help our son through connecting right now with his virtual school.

I know a lot of friends, their kids are going back to school and their struggle is connecting with a face mask. So kids that know each other are probably just excited to see each other, but I’m imagining those new kids, you know, whatever reason their family moved that summer, they are now new in school wearing a face mask. And so they have lost a lot of ability to connect with other kids, either social distancing and because their faces are covered.

What can we do moving forward?

Well, now that we all know how important connection is, that’s what your challenge is going to be this week.  To reconnect with someone that you haven’t connected with in a while, but then also reach out to someone that you haven’t met yet and make that connection. And even better, if you know that it’s a new family or a new person who’s moved into your building or your block just reach out and help that person feel connected because you’ll feel connected at the same time when you do that.

So push yourself into a situation where you have to work on your social skills.

We only get better in social interactions, by practicing and by doing and, you know, figuring out what works and what doesn’t work.  Like my husband and I would always say, good morning, or hi, as we’re walking along with our masks on. And we realized that people can’t necessarily hear you.  We are way more muffled than we would be without the mask. So we started a wave and we would, you know, sorta say, hi, nod and wave at the same time. So the person had more visual cues that you were saying something, and you could literally see people light up because they may not hear that “hi” but they see that movement. They look at you and they can tell you’re looking them in the eye. And you’ve, you’ve had an interaction with them.


I will put in the show notes, the links to the Ted talk and the podcasts that I mentioned this week.  Just know that everything I’m reading right now is about the power of connection and how important it is. So put yourself out there.   Be the person who reaches out first and connect with someone this week. Your quote for this week is:

Connecting with those you know love, like, and appreciate you restores the spirit and gives you energy to keep moving forward in this life. Deborah Day, Be Happy Now.

Alright, happy people. If you want to connect with us, you can reach out. We have our group, The Happier You Podcast on Facebook. You can go to the website, thehappieryou.net and join the newsletter. And that will get you the podcast and the newsletter delivered weekly, but also feel free to comment on the website. If you listen to the podcast through the website, I’d love to create some discussions in the comments.  Just another way to connect.

All right Happy People,  have a great week and go get your happy on!