This week’s episode we are talking about loving and accepting ourselves for who we are right now. This week we are joined by Patricia Vander Laan who shares success tips from her personal happiness journey. She is a lot of fun and has great ideas to share with us. One of the most important things she encourages is to figure out what makes your soul sing!! Doesn’t That sound amazing?
If you want to reach out to Patricia she can be found on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/patriciabluesage
I hope you enjoy this week’s podcast. Don’t forget we’d love to see you over on the Facebook Group, The Happier You Podcast!
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Episode Transcript:
Bona: Welcome back, happy people. This week we’re talking about how to reach loving acceptance, and why you should feed your soul. So this whole journey for me started out at a conference where the speaker said, “What’s the dream in your heart?” And I couldn’t answer that question, but through some self thought, I realized that I needed to learn to love myself. And that’s when I embarked on this journey.
The cool thing is, a few weeks ago I was in a coaching session on a course, I was taking called master your money mindset. And one of the ladies in that group said something that really struck me. And what she said was, “I realized I love who I am right now. Not in 20 pounds from now, not after the next promotion. Right now.”
And I thought, wow, I need to get to know this amazing woman better. So I invited her on the podcast. And today I’m talking to Patricia Vander Laan about how she arrived at this point in her life where she can confidently say that she loves who she is right now.
So welcome, Patricia. I’m super excited that you’re here with me today.
Patricia: Hi Bona. I am very, very excited to be here with you today. I’m so passionate about doing deep inner work and getting to know who you are that I’m just so happy to talk with you about it.
Bona: Well, thank you. Because I think, one of the things we talked about is, having a mentor and someone saying that you’re where you’re supposed to be and you’re doing great. Keep going. and I, I found, I took pages of notes when we talked a couple of weeks ago, because I wanted to prepare and get to know you a little bit better personally.
Patricia has been through all the things that I’m kind of struggling with or realizing that I need more of in my life. So I’m really excited. cause now I’ve got you as a resource.
Before I start, bouncing questions off you, can you tell our listeners a little bit about who Patricia Vander is and how you got to this point in your life?
Patricia: So I will try to condense the story because everybody’s journey is a very interesting long one. Complicated in its own right. But I became a single mom when I was 20. I felt like I had a fairly typical childhood, you know, normal things going on. And then when I was in college, I got pregnant and became a single mom. The minute I became pregnant, I knew I was pregnant and to become a mom, I actually just turned into absolute accountability responsibility. This child was going to be my focus. I was going to be a good mom for this child. And so, you know, I was 20, I was partying and doing things. So I stopped all of that and it was like,
What can I do to make a good life for me and this child?
I decided to go back to school. I went to university, so I was doing things like going to university and volunteering and raising my child. All at the same time, which absolutely kept me busy every minute of the day. And then I just, spent so much time with him and what he needed and how to make sure he got what he needed to grow and be a good adult or a good person in his own way.
As he got older, I started realizing that I felt empty. So this would probably be when he was getting into his teens. So he’s not gone all the time, but he’s out visiting friends. I started going, okay, so I had work and I had my child. Now I don’t have so much of my child. I’ve got this spare time, but not enough that it was like, okay, that I can just go read a book for a couple hours. It was more, Oh, I have a whole day to myself? Well, what am I going to do?
What do I like to do? Who am I?
And, you know, when you hit that point, it’s kind of like, you’re shocked. You’re almost like, how did I get to be this age? And I don’t know who I am. I don’t know anything about myself really.
Now I had a couple of things throughout my life that had happened that were kind of, and I love calling them “aha moments,” where your brain kind of, I call it, my brain blows up! Because I’ve read something that’s like an absolute truth. And at that time, the way it registers with me.
So what happened to me, was when I was in university was the first time I took a Myers Briggs test. I’m not necessarily about the labels, but for me, it’s all about how do you understand yourself? How do you find some way to put yourself related to everyone else?
A lot of people feel like they don’t belong.
They feel like I’m doing things, but I don’t necessarily belong. And so the outcome of the Myers Briggs test was where I realized I was an introvert. My whole family is extroverts. So I grew up in this extroverted space where we were doing extroverted things all the time, and I would have little meltdowns and not even realizing that that’s what was causing it.
And so when I read that as the outcome, and then I sort of read the description and how it impacted you, it was like, my brain blew up. My brain literally blew up and went, Oh, that’s why I do and this and that. Things like that have always kind of fed me, in terms of helping me figure out what do I like to do. And is it’s okay to be me. I’m different than my sisters, but it’s okay.
I can just be who I am.
And so that wasn’t every day, but I would start feeling like that a little bit. So once my son was older and he started spending time away and I was like, okay, how do I find out more about me so that I can be happy? I don’t want to be getting into my old age and be unhappy and not know, and just be misdirected. Feeling like I don’t belong. Feeling that I’m in a job that I don’t deserve working, you know, imposter syndrome. I’d even wake up some days going, “how can they give me a project that’s worth this much and in charge of this many people? like, I’m not that responsible! Like I’ve hit my head. I’m only 18. you know, things like that would go on. And, and I started realizing, well, no, I must be a responsible person. Right? It was like, I wasn’t seeing myself the way that other people or seeing me.
And so a lot of my journey has been understanding how other people see me.
So actually being open to getting that feedback and talking about it. Where when I was younger, I would not talk. I don’t want to know what you think about me because I might not like it.
I call it like an excavation of the soul.
Going through all the different layers. Some people call it an onion. I like to call it like a spiral because you’re constantly moving and you come back to the same place. But when you come back, you know, something different. So the way that you react is different than how you were when you were in like the same situation before. So what I started doing was I started taking all kinds of courses. I did more personality tests. Reached out to people. I read a lot. I took everything from shamanism to Reiki, to new age, to learning about religions. And it was all in a way to say, you know,
“What is it that I like? What feeds my soul? What makes me happy?”
And then I started doing a little bit more of that and I started really paying attention to, “what doesn’t make me happy?”
And it doesn’t mean you can get rid of all of the things that don’t make you happy. But over the course of my journey what’s happened is I’m able to look at it differently. So, okay. Maybe I don’t love doing the dishes, but you know what? I get to wake up every day and do the dishes versus I’m not waking up.
Bona: Right. Absolutely reframing it. Right.
Patricia: Reframing it. And so at some point this summer, like with COVID, for me, it was more of really doing deep work, on a couple of courses that I was taking. And I know when we were in that course and we were, the homework was, you know, look at where you were at the beginning, what you wanted to accomplish, and to think about where you are now.
And I remember sitting that day and going, okay, what do I feel? How am I feeling? And it was such a revelation to me to go, Oh, I realized I fell out of love with that person that’s always looking for, “Okay, well, if I’m thinner, if I’m richer, if I have a better job, but live in a different house. If this big event or whatever happens, then I’ll be a happier person because that’s the real me, right? That’s the me that’s gonna arrive.”
And I realized that I was in love with who I am now.
I just went, wow. All of these things that I do at home, I feed my soul every day, little day to day things. It’s not like I would on a cruise every day or hiking in the mountains. But the things that I do feed my soul every day.
And so I realized I’m just in love with who I am.
I love myself. I love where I am in my life. And almost everything that happens in my day feeds my soul in some way.
Bona: I have goosebumps actually, I think that’s what we should all aspire to is not comparing ourselves, not looking at outside worlds, not seeing what everybody else is doing and just saying, this is my life and I am so grateful for it.
And it’s amazing.
Patricia: Absolutely amazing. I had taken another course on soul coaching. We had done some intention, affirmation type things. And so I have a bunch that I wrote myself that are in my bathroom, on the mirror that I see every day.
And one of my favorite ones is;
Every day you have an opportunity for a new glorious adventure.
Bona: Hmm. I like that one.
Patricia: It doesn’t matter what you do, but it can be just going to the office. It’s still an adventure. The fact that you get to get up and go in your car and drive along and see other people, maybe see some wildlife, it’s an adventure.
Bona: And boy after COVID, that will seriously feel like an adventure, right?
We were talking earlier. It’s not that every moment is easy and it’s not that, once you get to the spot that, you know, it’s smooth sailing, but it’s that self-awareness to go inside and go, okay, why am I reacting like this? Or why am I feeling like this? And accepting that and saying, okay, that’s okay. But what triggered it?
Patricia: So I used to beat myself up or when I was younger, I would say, Oh, well, this person did this thing to me to just see the way that they treated me or what they said or how they, you know? Now if I something happens and it’s a day, like a lot of people will question, how can you be the really spiritual and like this and work in the job that you have? It’s really demanding, and there’s just so much going on.
I recognize, through doing some of the testing that I’ve done and understanding my personality and who I am, that I thrive off that. It feeds a whole other part of me that’s not the spiritual part.
It feeds the academic part. It feeds my, “I like to achieve things.” It feeds my wanting to just be engaged with a team.
There are a whole bunch of things that are part of that, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I think of who I was when I was younger, and in my upbringing and, there was a lot of judgment. And so as a person, you inherit that. And so I remember being very hard on team members when I was first into it, project management and management and my expectations.
I think I always clicked with people, but, but there was a lot of judgment from me and I have learned to go, “I don’t know what their journey is. And you know just like I found out what makes me tick? What makes them tick or somebody else?” So, I tend to be one of those people that when a situation happens, I’m always going, okay, let’s put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
Bona: Right.
Patricia: And what is the perspective and the perception here, right? Because it’s going to be different from everyone,
Bona: Something you said in our phone call a couple of weeks ago I really liked is you said, “I don’t beat myself up for decisions I made in the past. I was different then.” Tell me a little bit more about that.
Patricia: Yeah. So back to thinking about how I was judgmental. What I expected from people. Even things I’ve done.
My son is a prime example. He’s 27 now, and we’ve had some great conversations about how he perceived his childhood with me being a single mom, working a lot of hours.
There were a lot of downturns in the economy when he was young. And so I worked harder just to make sure that I wouldn’t lose my job and avoid the layoffs. I thought, well, I’m bringing home, I’m making sure we have a place to live. And to him, he was like, yeah, but you weren’t always home. My friends had two parents. We were able to talk through it so that I can tell him. This is where I was then, now I might not do it that way.
I might do it differently. At the time that was what I thought was the best for us and what we needed. But I don’t sit there and go, Oh my God, I made this thing and my kid’s all upset about it.
Even with other people or things that I’ve done. I’ve had my own share of financial problems early on in my career life. Now I don’t even think about them. I’m like, yeah, that’s who I was then. I’ve learned and I’m not the same person at all. I don’t think any of us are. We keep changing. It’s not living in that guilt or the shame of things that you may have done because you did them.
You can’t change it. It happened.
Bona: Right.
Patricia: So what can you learn from that? So that going forward you’re a different person.
Bona: You’re currently in your crazy, period for work. Right. I don’t think we touched on this, but you’re fairly high up in an IT company. Right?
Patricia: E-commerce. So we support the retail going through black Friday and holiday season.
Bona: Right. And we’re doing this in October, so you’re ramping up completely.
Patricia: Yeah.
Bona: And e-commerce is going to be an even bigger thing this year. What I loved is, is you’re like, okay, I know it’s going to be crazy. How am I going to get myself through this and keep my sanity and my happiness? And you just said, yeah, I’ve booked something every weekend until the end of the year. I think you said, right?
Patricia: This time of year tends to get busy socially as well. And so what’s happened is work would be busy and then the weekends would be busy and I was burnt out and my brain was fried and I thought that’s not feeding my soul in any way shape or form.
So what I started doing was when I know I have busy periods, I’ve looked at the weekend and I’ve went okay, So I need to do something that’s going to force me to completely relax, get out of my head and almost get into a meditative state. And so I’ve done things like I’ve booked pedicures, Indian head massage, and facials. Which with the new restrictions have had to be rescheduled.
Every weekend, and when I tried to do is book them in the middle of the day so that I won’t book something major, during the day. Like I won’t go, Oh yeah, I should go visit at my mom. I’m booking this time so that I’ll be forced to have it. And then I’ll come home and I’ll have a nap or something.
Bona: The other thing that you said when we were chatting that I really loved, is Figure out how to feed your soul.
Patricia: I was a big Oprah follower, and my best friend and I had always said we’d go see Oprah in Chicago. We never did before she stopped. But then she went around and she talked. So, she was in Montreal and Ottawa. Before they had sold the tickets in Ottawa, we decided we weren’t waiting. And we scored a couple of tickets to Montreal and made an overnight and a day of it.
One of the phrases that Oprah talks about that we always remember, and we remind each other is.
You know, you get the little whisper. If you don’t listen to the whisper, it becomes a little knock and little stone and it just gets worse until you get like the smack up the side of the head and you can’t avoid it.
And it’s really learning to listen to that little whisper, that little whisper that’s happening before it really escalates.
It’s tuning into that. Now you and I talked a lot about meditation for me. I think meditation and breath work are two of the most important ways to sort of help connect to your soul because it’s stills you. It took me years to get really good at meditation. But I knew, because I would have these glimmers of hitting that sweet spot in meditation, how awesome it was.
So I didn’t give up. And at some point I got to, “Oh my God. Now I can get there any point of the day.”
If I still and calm myself, I can get into that sweet spot and get to where I want to be to still myself and still my mind and listen for what my voice is telling me.
Bona: Okay. So, there’s no way we’re going to get to everything. However, one of the things I wanted to talk about is after having gone through this journey and then you realize that it would have been, not necessarily easier, but more comforting or, well, I guess we can use the term easier. If you had a mentor to say “you’re doing it right. Just keep going, stay on your path.” So, I love that you’ve now turned around and you’re offering that to other people.
Patricia: Yes. There’s two things I do. One, I mentor in my work world. So what I’ve learned is it’s way more than just work and what you’re doing and how to do it. It’s navigating a work environment, for women, typically navigating men in the workplace. Just all the changing things. And it’s really getting people to think beyond what they’re focused on. So, there’s a lot of sort of spiritual things come into this that I consider part of the journey.
But apart from that in my private life, I do this. I took a soul coaching course. A lot of the stuff I do on the side is around coaching and mentoring people where it’s a lot of it is just conversation with people, right? Like someone will say, Hey, I have this friend, you spent some time with me. Do you mind chatting with them? They were at this place, they have all these questions. They don’t even know who to go to. And when I started on my journey with some of the stuff I was taking, I would have days where I’m like, I would feel like an imposter in this Spiritual world. Like,
Am I really spiritual? Do I really understand this stuff? Is that where I want to be?
And then I would feel like an imposter in my work world. And so you’d have these days where you were like, Oh my God, my brain’s going to implode, not explode in a good way, but it really don’t know who I am. And am I doing things right? And I think just having someone to say to me, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Every day when I journaled I would write,
“You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”
And so, I became sort of my own coach. But I, I do spend time with other people, just of my own free time, having conversations and saying, “where you are is the right place for you. Who you are is right for you. Don’t be like anybody else wants you to be, just be yourself. Figure out what your self is and be yourself.”
Bona: I love it.
Patricia: That’s a gift that you can bring to yourself in the world.
Bona: Its so true. And I want to build this community based on that. Based on, the more we can love and accept ourselves and realize this is my journey. But like you had said earlier, this is an individual journey, but let’s do it together. In the sense that, you know, let’s bring more people along and say,
“It’s okay to be you. I’m okay to be me.”
And, you know, when there’s less judgment in the world and less comparing, I think we’re all going to be happier and more accepting.
Patricia: Yeah. And so when you can hold space for someone where you’re listening and you’re giving nonjudgmental very much stating that this is my perception. Or the things that you’re asking me from my own experience. Understand that there are other people that will have other things. So, I typically then get people excited. They’re like, Oh, you know, who else could I go talk to, to ask and get a different perspective? Right? And I think that when you understand that and that you can be in that space and you can hold that space for other people. For the person holding the space, it’s immense gratitude that they chose you to have the conversation and work with you. Right?
I’ve never been one where I feel like I’m in power or that I’m better than anyone else. For me, I’m facilitating, holding a space. To help people become who they need to be. Just like I said, other people have done for me.
We’re all equals. We’re just in a different place in our journey. We’re all trying to figure out what our journey is.
Bona: That’s awesome. Well, I love that you do that. So maybe you should tell us, you know, if people are intrigued by this, how they can find you. I know this is, a side thing for you, but, can you just share if people wanted to reach out.
Patricia: Yes. There’s two ways you can reach me. I have an email address that’s specific for that spiritual coaching work. And it’s Patriciabluesage@gmail.com. And I have a Facebook page. That’s Blue Sage Energy Arts.
Bona: Blue Sage Energy Arts. Very cool. Okay. So I, asked Patricia to come up with, this weeks homework challenge and then she has an awesome quote, to share with you.
Patricia: So my challenge was, and I said to Bona, I actually say this to a lot of people. Find the things that make your soul sing. It can be little things. Does petting a dog make your soul sing? Reading a book? Going for a walk in the woods? Walking barefoot in the sand? Whatever it is, figure it out and do some of that every damn day.
The more you do that, the more you’re going to hear your soul sing, and you’re going to feel what that feels like. And you’re just going to want more of that.
Bona: It gets a little addictive. Yeah.
Patricia: It gets a little addictive.
Bona: Awesome. So I think just to sum up what we’ve talked about today is it is an individual journey and what works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for another. Embracing and loving ourselves through it and just going for it and finding how your soul sings. Getting to know yourself better, I think gets you to a happier place.
Patricia: It does. And I think it’s over time. Like, I can’t tell you that I woke up one day and realized it because it was a homework assignment that made me think and go, Oh, so I don’t know when it actually happened, it just kind of happened. And so I realized, Oh, that’s an amazing place that I’m in right now.
Bona: Okay. Patricia, can you share your quote with us please?
Patricia: I sure can Bona.
Each and every one of us has big magic, hidden deep inside that is just waiting to be acknowledged and released. Our mission is to uncover it, connect with it and make that magic our reality.
Bona: Do you know who that is by?
Patricia: Me.
Bona: Oh, I love it.
Alright, Patricia. Thank you so much for coming on. This has been so fun and, I see this happening again in our future. Cause I love talking to you. I love your energy. and I love the fact that yeah, you’re ahead of me in this journey. So I’m excited to get to the place where I have your energy and happiness around you.
That’s awesome. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. it’s been so great. All right Happy people. That’s it for this week. Have a great week and go get your happy on.